Emacs Jokes

Richard M. Stallman (RMS, widely known for creating EMACS) is writing a UNIX clone called GNU (which means Gnu’s Not Unix–a recursive acronym).

This seems to open the way to a whole gnu class of jokes. For example:

Q: What do you call a person who hacks while wearing no clothes?
A: A gnudist.

Q: What do you call an eligible young hacker?
A: Gnubile.

Q: What is a hacker’s favorite candy?
A: Gnugat. (Though it contains little gnutrition.)

Q: What do you call a computer filled with air?
A: Gnumatic.

Q: What do you call a novice hacker who keeps pestering you with foolish questions?
A: A gnuisance.

Q: What do you call a subtle, clever hack in the favorite language?
A: A gnuanCe.

Q: What do you use a supercomputer for?
A: Gnumerical analysis.

Q: What do you call a hacker who collects coins?
A: A gnumismatist.

Well, there are more, just too gnumerous to tell all at once. I think

elvis@gnu.ai.mit.edu 

From: elvis@gnu.ai.mit.edu
To: emacs-19-bugs@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Subject: missing from etc/emacs.names
Date: Thu, 20 May 93 02:21:27 edt

Elvis
Masterminds
All
Computer
Software

Just so you boys know the score.

Thank you very much,
The King

What does it mean 

From: The Unknown User <anonymous@nowhere.uucp>
Subject: EMACS -- What does it mean?
To: mit-prep!info-gnu-emacs@TOPAZ.RUTGERS.EDU

EMACS belongs in <sys/errno.h>: Editor too big!

Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift

From: harvard!topaz!BLUE!BRAIL@mit-eddie
Date: 9 Sep 85 17:25:27 EDT
Subject: EMACS -- What does it mean?
To: mit-prep!info-gnu-emacs@TOPAZ.RUTGERS.EDU

EMACS may stand for “Editing MACroS,” but some friends of mine suggested some more creative definitions. Here they are. Anyone have any additions?

Eight
Megabytes
And
Constantly
Swapping

Even a
Master of
Arts
Comes
Simpler

Emacs
Manuals
Are
Cryptic and
Surreal

Energetic
Merchants
Always
Cultivate
Sales

Each
Manual's
Audience is
Completely
Stupefied

Emacs
Means
A
Crappy
Screen

Eventually
Munches
All
Computer
Storage

Even
My
Aunt
Crashes the
System

Eradication of
Memory
Accomplished with
Complete
Simplicity

Elsewhere
Maybe
Alternative
Civilizations
Survive

Egregious
Managers
Actively
Court
Stallman

Esoteric
Malleability
Always
Considered
Silly

Emacs
Manuals
Always
Cause
Senility

Easily
Maintained with the
Assistance of
Chemical
Solutions

Edwardian
Manifestation of
All
Colonial
Sins

Generally
Not
Used

Except by
Middle
Aged
Computer
Scientists

Extended
Macros
Are
Considered
Superfluous

Every
Mode
Accelerates
Creation of
Software

Elsewhere
Maybe
All
Commands are
Simple

Emacs
May
Allow
Customized
Screwups

Excellent
Manuals
Are
Clearly
Suppressed

Emetic
Macros
Assault
Core and
Segmentation

Embarrassed
Manual-Writer
Accused of
Communist
Subversion

Extensibility and
Modifiability
Aggravate
Confirmed
Simpletons

Emacs
May
Annihilate
Command
Structures

Easily
Mangles,
Aborts,
Crashes and
Stupefies

Extraneous
Macros
And
Commands
Stink

Exceptionally
Mediocre
Algorithm for
Computer
Scientists

EMACS
Makes no
Allowances
Considering its
Stiff price

Equine
Mammals
Are
Considerably
Smaller

Embarrassingly
Mundane
Advertising
Cuts
Sales

Every
Moron
Assumes
CCA is
Superior

Exceptionally
Mediocre
Autocratic
Control
System

EMACS
May
Alienate
Clients and
Supporters

Excavating
Mayan
Architecture
Comes
Simpler

Erasing
Minds
Allows
Complete
Submission

Every
Male
Adolescent
Craves
Sex

Elephantine
Memory
Absolutely
Considered
Sine que non

Emacs
Makers
Are
Crazy
Sickos

Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo-
Macros
Are
Completely
Slow

Experience the
Mildest
Ad
Campaign ever
Seen

Emacs
Makefiles
Annihilate
C-
Shells

Eradication of
Memory
Accomplished with
Complete
Simplicity

Emetic
Macros
Assault
Core and
Segmentation

Epileptic
MLisp
Aggravates
Compiler
Seizures

Eleven thousand
Monkeys
Asynchronously
Crank out these
Slogans

ed forever? 

From: patl@athena.mit.edu (Patrick J. LoPresti)
Message-ID: <1991Jul11.031731.9260@athena.mit.edu>
Sender: news@athena.mit.edu (News system)
Subject: The True Path (long)
Date: 11 Jul 91 03:17:31 GMT
Path: ai-lab!mintaka!olivea!samsung!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!think.com!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!bloom-picayune.mit.edu!athena.mit.edu!patl
Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs,alt.slack
Organization: Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Lines: 95
Xref: ai-lab alt.religion.emacs:244 alt.slack:1935

When I log into my Xenix system with my 110 baud teletype, both vi and Emacs are just too damn slow. They print useless messages like, ‘C-h for help’ and ‘“foo” File is read only’. So I use the editor that doesn’t waste my VALUABLE time.

ED(1)               UNIX Programmer's Manual                ED(1)

NAME
     ed - text editor

SYNOPSIS
     ed [ - ] [ -x ] [ name ]
DESCRIPTION
     Ed is the standard text editor.

Computer Scientists love ed, not just because it comes first alphabetically, but because it’s the standard. Everyone else loves ed because it’s ED!

“Ed is the standard text editor.”

And ed doesn’t waste space on my Timex Sinclair. Just look:

-rwxr-xr-x  1 root          24 Oct 29  1929 /bin/ed
-rwxr-xr-t  4 root     1310720 Jan  1  1970 /usr/ucb/vi
-rwxr-xr-x  1 root  5.89824e37 Oct 22  1990 /usr/bin/emacs

Of course, on the system I administrate, vi is symlinked to ed. Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which

 1) Generates a syslog message at level LOG_EMERG;
 2) reduces the user's disk quota by 100K; and
 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!

“Ed is the standard text editor.”

Let’s look at a typical novice’s session with the mighty ed:

golem> ed

?
help
?
?
?
quit
?
exit
?
bye
?
hello?
?
eat flaming death
?
^C
?
^C
?
^D
?

Note the consistent user interface and error reportage. Ed is generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm the novice with verbosity.

“Ed is the standard text editor.”

Ed, the greatest WYGIWYG editor of all.

ED IS THE TRUE PATH TO NIRVANA! ED HAS BEEN THE CHOICE OF EDUCATED AND IGNORANT ALIKE FOR CENTURIES! ED WILL NOT CORRUPT YOUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS!! ED IS THE STANDARD TEXT EDITOR! ED MAKES THE SUN SHINE AND THE BIRDS SING AND THE GRASS GREEN!!

When I use an editor, I don’t want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless help screens and cursor positioning code! I just want an EDitor!! Not a “viitor”. Not a “emacsitor”. Those aren’t even WORDS!!!! ED! ED! ED IS THE STANDARD!!!